Often in significant relationships, there are moments in time when it’s easiest to ‘just do it’, rather than make ‘an issue out of it.’ Instead of being the ‘heavy’, having to ‘talk about it’, or ‘being serious’, it’s just easier ‘to go along.’

In all of human nature there is no more dangerous an act. To not speak your truth is a subtle but significant shift in the balance of a relationship. It begins a viral process, always measuring whether now is the right time to bring something up, tamping down feelings because they may not be welcome.

I see this all the time with my coaching clients. Something they do well naturally becomes the role they get assigned, whether or not they like it. The Fixer is the person on the team that everyone goes to when a problem is sticky and when someone needs to make a sacrifice. The Fixer is usually the one who makes the sacrifice because somewhere in time they made an unwritten agreement that this was their role, they fix things. The Toxic Handler is the one who carries the emotional garbage for the team, the one people turn to for emotional support and a place to vent unwanted feelings. The Task Master is the one who gets things done, a natural leader, but burdened by excessive roles and responsibilities and isolated from real collaboration. Unless they speak up, these folks will lead lives of quiet desperation, resenting the situations they find themselves in but feeling unable or unwilling to change them.

In personal relationships, too, it slithers in as undiscussed decisions. Who makes the money? Who cleans the yard, raises the kids? Have you ever wondered how you got ‘roped’ into being the one that has to clean the house? Or maybe your unspoken agreement was that you had to be the bread winner, or maybe it was that you would always be cheerful, or responsible, or funny.

Unwritten agreements erode foundations, because by their very nature they are subtle, often just below the surface of your consciousness. Over time, they are like the trickle of water that carves a Grand Canyon, and creates a great divide.

What unwritten agreements do you have in your life? What roles and rules do you expect of friends, colleagues, partners, and yourself? Are these good for you? Do they honor you? Are you respecting yourself? Or are you abandoning yourself?

I will pass on what my teachers tell me, “Say what is so without blame or judgment.”

Start today, with clear intention, and say yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no. Talk about your concerns, stalk your thoughts, seek clarity, be impeccable with your own words. It’s hard, but much better than being assigned a life.