Okay, so I’m going to do that annoying parable thing now. There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”*

Parables are annoying because they delay gratification, because by definition the reader is supposed to go: huh?

Stay with me.

Whether you’re a boss, a colleague or a client, you probably exhibit jerk-like behavior once in awhile. The question is how aware are you of your own behavior and how it impacts other people? Even better, how do you handle a run in WITH a colossal jerk?

Well, I suppose we’d have to define jerk. Here’s a first pass: Do you slam doors? Are you rude? Do you over-react or blow up? Do you embarrass people? Suck up? Cut people off on the road? Stand in the ‘15 items or less’ line with 100 things? There’s a ton more, but you get the idea.

How did you do? Not you? Phew. Okay so we can put aside “classic jerk.” Ah, but what about “passive-aggressive jerk?”

Here’s a version of this type of jerk – this is a true story from one of my client’s by the way:

“I couldn’t believe it. I do her accounting on a part time basis. Show up three times a week for about three hours, pay bills, do the filing, etc. She’s always asking me to help her move furniture, go pick up her stuff, etc. But this one day, I show up and she says, ‘I’ve made your favorite: chicken salad. As soon as you help me rip up the old carpeting and carpet pad in my new condo, we’ll sit down and have some lunch; oh, and afterward, you can help me load all of that crap in my car and take it to the dump.’ My client looked up and said, ‘I’m an accountant. I hate chicken salad.’”

Remind you of anyone you know? Let me guess, you’re thinking about one of your clients right now?

What should you do?

Can’t fix ‘em, right? Oh, I’m sure some of you think maybe you can, but it’s time to get real. This behavior didn’t just spring up spontaneously in the last few seconds! This person has probably had tremendous practice with their behavior; there is no way they’re going to change just for YOU.

You could get mad. Most people do, by the way, but they get mad at other people, after the situation is over. Really unfortunate for the ‘other’ people.

You could ignore it. In which case, your own anxiety grows and grows, anticipating the next time you have to deal with that person and their inappropriate behavior.

You could just do the damn thing they want you to do, and be done with it, all the way mumbling angrily under your breathe and kicking the carpet as you go. Of course, the shame that boils up inside because you didn’t stick up for yourself might crush a little piece of your spirit.

You could say no, or even hell, no! Hmm, there’s goes a client, a recommendation, maybe even a paycheck this month. Sure felt good in the moment, but was it optimal?

You could sit them down, explain that you have chronic sinus infections and that ripping up old carpeting would surely put you in the doctor’s office and on antibiotics; so, unfortunately, you won’t be able to help.

Nothing feels quite right, does it?

It’s not supposed to.

THIS IS WATER. (We’re back to the parable.)

This is water, my friends. You’re swimming in it. It’s everywhere. Constantly. All around.

We all walk around inside of a semi-permeable membrane that contains not only our physical being, but our experience, memories, and stories. And so does everyone else. Inside my personal membrane, I create a story about you and then I react to that story. You do the same. And let me be the first to tell you that many times when under stress those stories usually have some pathology to them.

So what can we do, you ask. For one we can get educated about ourselves and our internal landscape. Thomas Jefferson said it better than I could: “The most fortunate of us frequently meet with calamities which greatly afflict us and to fortify our minds against the attacks of these misfortunes should be one of the principal studies and endeavors of our time.”

Study your emotional intelligence.

There are many assessments out there and coaches who use EQ. I have one I really like, it’s powerful and accurate and I use it for myself and my clients.

An EQ assessment or a coaching session with someone trained in EQ consulting creates a map of what happens to you under stress. It is unique to you. EQ is like a fingerprint; no one else will have your exact data. Once you know it, know what your internal blueprint looks like, particularly when you’re stressed out, your relationships have the potential to improve exponentially. That’s good news for all of here at 85 Broads since our very success hinges on our relationships with others.

Okay so rewind to the Chicken Salad Lady. With awareness of our EQ, we might wonder, hmm, I bet she’s so swamped and scared that her business is going under, and she’s getting no help from anyone, and only has me, and has never learned how to ask someone directly for help. Or, we can make a meal out of it and rage inside of ourselves… ‘how dare she ask me to….’ !

I’m not saying one’s better than the other. I like a good meal once in awhile, myself. But, I also like having choices. And deciding the best response that serves the situation, ultimately makes winners out of everyone.

One last thing, this is not the same as the whole ‘turn the other cheek’ thing. It’s infinitely harder. Once you know your unique EQ, you’ll have to practice: stopping for a minute, checking in, reminding yourself that even though you’re sane and having a disagreeable experience, the other person thinks they’re sane too and you have NO idea what they’re experiencing. So you check it out and THEN you figure out what’s next. Takes a ton of practice, but it’s a lot better than defaulting to freak-out mode.

Moral of this story: is the client a jerk? Maybe, doesn’t matter, that’s their story. What do you want yours to be?

*Parable taken from David Foster Wallace commencement speech, 2005.