How many times have we seen this scenario play out in real life? The woman, whose biological clock is slowly ticking more loudly and who is watching all of her friends tie the knot, is eagerly waiting for her beau to pop the question. The beau, on the other hand, whose married friends are strongly encouraging him to stay single, is starting to feel stressed out at the realization that soon he’ll be expected to make a marriage proposal or risk losing the relationship. 

Then, in classic art-imitates-life fashion (or so we think), we see it play out in Hollywood. Think Jennifer Aniston in He’s Just Not That Into You. Her character temporarily leaves Ben Affleck’s character because he refuses to commit. As other examples, think Taye Diggs in The Best Man, Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates, Larenz Tate in Love Jones, Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up, Bill Bellamy in The Brothers, and Judi Denchin Notes on a Scandal--oh, wait, that's two women and a topic for another day.

I could go on and on with examples that reinforce the idea that men are indecisive and women fall in love fast and hard. Although movies continue to perpetuate this idea of the pining, disgruntled woman who complains over martinis with her friends and waits impatiently for the man to commit, make no mistake. It is a myth! 

The 'Nature' of Love

Research over several decades paints a completely different picture. In the 1980s, studies conducted by Dion & Dion (1985) and Peplau & Gordon (1985) indicated that it is actually men who fall in love more readily. Moreover, men hold a more romantic view of male-female relations. They fall out of love more slowly and are more likely to hold on (in fact, cling) to a dying love affair. 

More recently, Dr. Victoria Lukats, a psychiatrist based in the U.K. commented on a 2006 study conducted with 5,000 people: 'The research clearly shows that men are likely to fall in love faster than women. … the scientific explanation may simply come down to biology. ... A woman is investing a great deal in falling in love and potentially having a child with someone. ... It could be seen as a safer gamble to take longer in weighing up a mate's potential fathering ability before taking the plunge.'

As it turns out, men also fall in love-at-first-sight more frequently than women. Research shows that within the first 15 seconds, a woman will have decided—albeit subconsciously—whether or not she will give a man an opportunity to make her fall for him. In that same short period of time, a man has only decided whether or not he is attracted to the woman’s looks. 

Denial, Denial, Denial 

Even with the abundance of research, there is still substantial disbelief in the population. Before writing this article, I did a quick web search on the topic of men falling in love more easily than women. Google brings up responses, predominantly from men, that range from disbelief to annoyance, and even slight anger at the mere supposition that men may fall in love more easily. 

Coming Out...of the Dark Ages 

Our understanding of gender roles is slowly becoming less rigid and more flexible, particularly with the introduction of Mr. Mom in 1983, Mrs. Doubtfire in 1993, and most impressively the 2010 production of The Kids Are All Right. Gender roles are being portrayed as more fluid (i.e., less unyielding and traditional), which is a more appropriate representation of the truth. Traditional men are now more open to being the caregivers and are more emotionally-accessible than they have been in the past. In fact, in a recent 2011 poll, only one-quarter of men felt that they should take care of their partners, whereas 68% felt that “we should trade off, depending on who’s making the most money.” An even more astounding result, a whopping 80% of men (and an equal number of women) said that if their partner was making more money, they would be happy to stay home with the kids.” (Perkins-Munn, 2011).  

As a society, some of our less progressive brethren are just starting to accept the message that gender roles are not scripted. They vary...by person, by situation, by relationship. In short, we (i.e., you, I, Hollywood, society, the media) should not 'genderize' behaviors. Not only does it not fit with the evolution of traditional gender roles in terms of who does what and how to capitalize on individual strengths and weaknesses, it also excludes the realities of same-gender couples whose definitions (of self, love, role, etc.)  transcend traditional boundaries.

What are your thoughts?

Sources:

Dion, K. K., & Dion, K. L. (1985) Personality, gender and the phenomenology of romantic love. In P.R. Shaver (Ed.), Review of personality and social psychology, vol. 6. Beverly Hills, Ca.: Sage. (p. 410)

Peplau, L.A., & Gordon, S. L. (1985). Women and men in love: Gender differences in close heterosexual relationships. In V. E. O’Leary, R.K. Unger, & B.S. Wallston (Eds.), Women, gender, and social psychology. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum. (p.410)

Kimmel, M.S. & Messner, M.A. (Eds.) (2004). Men’s Lives. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Lindsey, L.L. (1997) Gender Roles, a sociological perspective, 3 rd ed., Upper Saddle River, NJ: PrenticeHall.

Perkins-Munn, T. (2011). The Non-Negotiables: Picking a Partner, not a Playmate. Working paper.